It's odd what sort of catharsis finds me, but as a result of my wandering weeping yesterday, I went out with some of the girls I met at trivia for a 90's sing-along night to get my mind off things.
And 90's music and loud noises and lots of bodies and drinking and tons of subway transfers and a stranger to talk to were exactly what I needed. Especially, when the DJ makes sure to play the New Radicals' "You've Got the Music in You" and Alanis Morisstte's "You Oughta Know."
And maybe, yes "I Believe I Can Fly."
Wow. The 90's was full of living the dream, be yourself, and screw those who don't understand you type of songs. Must've been all that flannel.
But pointing while singing with my soul are just some of the moves I incorporate into personal dance time.
I mean, it didn't erase all of the self-conscious and self-hatred my mind developed since my crying jag — or should I say jog? har-har-har— because you really can't tell if you're still that good person you thought you were when there's a small community* of people who hate you and who have defriended you on Facebook.
And we all know that defriending someone on Facebook is the equivalent of saying, "I hate you, and if you die and haunt your FB profile to update your status to dead, I will neither care nor be informed."
Or something like that.
So as I was contemplating myself and dancing to The Offspring's "Self Esteem," I got to thinking about Lex Luthor and how he's always the bad guy and how we just simply hate him because he's pure evil genius. Was I Lex Luthor? Were my actions pure evil genius? I worried. I mean, in my head, I never set out to do bad things, like Lex Luthor. But could Lex Luthor just be misunderstood?
That actually feels more Marvel super villain if anything. What with their Doc Oc and Silver Surfers. They have a bigger background story than that. It's not just good versus evil. There's reasoning and empathy.
So there I was. I felt stupid and lonely and the girl dancing to "Baby Got Back" was really on my elbow, but I realized that I was letting my weird break-up give myself a definition and make me feel bad, when I never intentionally meant to hurt anyone. Sure, I've done some really mean things and said hurtful things, but I've grown from it, I've apologized for it, and I frankly made conscious efforts to stop doing and thinking that way.
But it felt like no one ever tried to get my side of the story.
It felt like no one wanted to give me credit for trying to change.
And a part of me thought that, what if it was just easier to classify Lex Luthor as the bad guy and make Superman good? I mean, the comics were told from Superman's perspective. What if Lex Luthor didn't know what he was doing was wrong? What if no one tried to talk to him or understand why he wanted to do it?
Or maybe it's because Lex Luthor was ginger before he went bald.
I mean, Superman isn't even human. He's past making those petty mistakes we mere mortals have, apparently. And no one can get past all of that gloss. No one can understand that we'd probably make Lex Luthor's mistakes and have his wants just the same. Because admitting to that, actually admitting to a fault, or even attempting empathy is a struggle.
It's a skill we raise ourselves to understand, whereas judging good versus bad frankly, without any deeper thought, is something we carry from childhood. We learn it early on. It's looking past it and understanding both sides that make us adults, that make us better, functioning humans.
That's why I'd rather be Batman, really.
So, yes, from my break-upees perspective, I am trying to understand what it was that I did wrong, and I am trying to own up to it. Frankly, peacefully, embarrassingly. What hurts is that my reputation is slain without an attempt to discuss it.
But maybe it's just too late for that, and what hurts is that I'm too much of a wuss to say anything back.
Yowza, this post is a little too heady for what's supposed to be a lighthearted blog.
Eh. Batman wouldn't care actually. Batman might have a pithy retort before he punched the Joker in the face, like "You might have the last laugh, but I got the punchline." Bam!
Okay, so that was weak. I'm reeling in emotions! What do you want from me?
*Such as I've learned from democracy.
Feeling: Thirsty. Listening to: my saxophone neighbor doing scales.
Feeling: Thirsty. Listening to: my saxophone neighbor doing scales.