To Whom It May Concern:
I'm That Girl George. I am writing because I am interested in a position to write more things, preferably for your business/company/newspaper/magazine/blog/Twittersphere/bathroom stall. Bob referred me. Oh? You don't know Bob? Bob swore he told you about me. You have to remember Bob. He has that hair? And those pants?
Oh.
Well, let's forget about Bob. I'm here to talk about us, about this game we're playing, To Whom It May Concern. May I call you, Connie? You can call me George. And we can forget Bob and his pants. Let's talk, Connie. I feel like I already know you, you know? Like we have a connection where I write things down and you read them. It's almost like kismet! Or fate! Or a skill we've both developed! You know, where you've had years of experience, and I'm just Googling tips on how to communicate to you, while trying to show that I'm not a robot?
I'm not, by the way. I'm not a robot in all the places you'd want someone to not be a robot.
In my heart. Oh yeah. I've got tons of heart for you and for writing for your company.
I want to write for you, Connie! I want to contribute to your business with my unusual syntax and witty rapport. I want to have a company e-mail address to legitimize my degree I spent four and half years working towards! I want to be able to go to any reunion or stumble upon an acquaintance and say, "Oh Connie? That dashing devil? Yes, we are, indeed, tight."
Don't make me pretend, Connie. I saw Romy and Michelle. I know that they won't believe that I came up with something like Post-It notes or Sriracha Sauce or Twitter! Don't make that happen, Connie. Invoke change.
A few things you should know about me: I'm really smart, like Spock smart, like Batman smart, like if these two came together and drank Acai Juice and played Jeopardy you'd get me. I am also great at marketing myself.
I am extremely optimistic. I spent four and a half years at a college when people were telling me that it wouldn't be enough because of the economy. And look at me now, Connie! I sure showed those naysayers! They'll certainly eat their words once I'm hired! Or maybe, if their words were Cheerios, and it was breakfast time, and they were watching out for their heart health, then they would certainly be eating their words right now. And I would just stare at them as they chewed their whole grain, honey nut goodness with low-fat milk and relish it, really savory the moment as if I too were eating Cheerios.
I am a team player. I've never actually been on a sports team, Connie, but I did try out for volleyball once. I somehow hit the ball into my face, but that's because I'm a go-getter and a creative thinker. Have you ever seen a girl play volleyball with her face? No. It's not effective. But just trying it out and bouncing those ideas around is what I do. Just trying it out and encouraging others to or not to, is part of team playing.
I am tenacious and take my goals seriously. When we first brought my puppy, Evee, home, I took it upon myself to house break her. Sure, there were long, sweltering afternoons, where I stood outside in the yard, encouraging her to go, and sure when those ended unsuccessfully, I would end up rolling around my living room floor, wondering what I did wrong as a parent and questioning my abilities as a mother, but I got there eventually. I checked out a lot of books from the library and read blogs, I cleaned so many floors and questioned life, but I pushed through. I knew that one day, she wouldn't go on my sleeping bag on the floor. That one day, the grass would be greener for her, rather than my bedroom rug. And now, cleaning up gross things doesn't phase me, and Evee goes outside.
I am awesome. Seriously, Connie, I bring all the boys to the yard. What's that? You don't have a yard? Well, prepare one, Connie, because once you hire all of this, by which I mean me, you'll have a yard situation on your hands. And that's really good for your company.
Thank you so much for your time, Connie. I will call in a few days to follow-up, maybe around The Voice performances? We can chat about our favorite contenders and how much we want Team Blake to win. Or maybe we can have a good spar over our preferences. It's much more interesting that way, wouldn't you say? Keeps it fresh. Keeps it fun. Keeps it alive. Looking forward to hearing from you before then. We can watch Dancing with the Stars instead.
Respectfully Yours,
George