Unintentionally, today of all days, Sam brought up the possibility of me being stabbed in New York.
While eating two desserts at Chili's, she, broke into the conversation with a casual, "Oh, I meant to tell you," prompting me to look up at her, mouth full of ice cream and hot chocolate molten lava cake. I just told her how I found a DVD copy of The Babysitter's Club at work, so I waited for a funny anecdote or possibly a reciprocal present.
"When you get shanked--" she started in the same casual vein, and breaking any hopes of a comical retells or gifts.
"I'm going to get shanked?" I demanded, hardly enjoying my desserts anymore.
She looked somewhat miffed at being interrupted. "Well," she continued patiently, "if you ever get shanked, pretend that it was me being shanked."
I looked at her, eyes bulging as the scenario of me being stabbed changed to watching Sam being stabbed. It took the idea of the reciprocal presents to a different level than I intended.
"You know, so you'll be very calm and tell me to calm down," Sam said. "If it's you, just tell yourself to calm down, because if you panic, you'll get your heart rate going and lose more blood." Pam turned to her to verify the validity of this, her own spoon poised to eat more ice cream. I couldn't stand how calm they were over the possibility of me being stabbed. They even gestured the best place to get shanked. Apparently in the lower back to the side.
"Yeah," Sam went on. "I saw it on Law and Order." She claimed this reference with great authority, dissolving the discussion into the series' location that would add even more pertinence to this advice.
I stopped eating completely, despite the limited availability of the grilled cookie and ice cream. "I'm going to get shanked in New York?" I demanded.
Sam and Pam stopped talking about the various Law and Orders. "Why else would I be telling you this?" Sam asked as if it were obvious advice.
I put my spoon down. "I don't like this."
Anthony, next to me, helpfully told me to avoid watching any of these shows and to refer to Seinfeld and Sex in the City as proper guides for New York. Pam straight up told me that I should stop watching Friends.
"Oh yeah," Sam added. "You should also wear a bra anytime you leave your house. Don't follow Jennifer Anniston."
"Yeah or you'll get felt up on the subway," Anthony added, reaching over to get to the chocolate cake. Then as if a thought struck him, "Subways, buses--"
"Any sort of public transportation," Sam added, licking her spoon.
Anthony nodded. "Yeah."
My face fell further. Et tu, Anthony?
On the car ride back home, I couldn't help but bring it up in so many words, despite Pam talking about work or the new fro-yo place opening near the grocery store. First, shrill disbelief, "I'm going to be shanked?" Then to unwitting self-admittance, accepting the inevitable, "I'm going to get shanked."
Probably after the third or fifth exclamation of this, Pamela turned to me, driving up the long, dark roads. "I'm going to have to talk to your sister," she said, turning back to face the windshield, her voice filled with pity.