Need I proclaim that I'm not a lesbian? Because I have to do it pretty darn often. Maybe I should put out an ad and rent out a billboard. Maybe I should have a coming out party where I tell everyone that I'm proud to be straight!
This is the part where I disclaim that I have no problem being mistaken as a lesbian. This is also the part where I should add credibility to my claim by saying I have lesbian friends. Alas, I have no friends to give me the ethos I so desperately need to make these claims, and I technically don't a problem with being mistook for a lesbian. It just happens too often that I'm starting to wonder what about me makes people wonder at my preference.
All of this leads to this small occurrence that happened to me while working. I was ringing out one of our usual customers when she asked if I was married. My immediate reaction was to look at my hand and see if I put that ring on, the one that my mom asks me to stop wearing because it makes me look like I am engaged. She wants everyone to know that I'm available and open for business.*
So I laughed and said no that I wasn’t.
Engaged? Boyfriend? Seeing someone? Dating?
No. No. No. No. Where is this all leading?**
Because I have a nephew.
Oh.
Now trying to stave off an old lady is difficult. Trying to stave off an old lady with an eligible relation just in your age range is another. You're in the precarious situation where you don't want to bash the guy who is having his aunt scope out women for him because she's a customer you see on a regular basis. You can't say no straight out or you look like a closed minded or uppity.
But she was very nice. She said lovely things about how I look and how it’s a pity that I don’t date and how I’m young. All of which are true statements (I'd use a smiley face emoticon here if I wasn't so against them). But then she went into all of her nephew's merits, like how he's an electrician and how he's really nice and just doesn't date as well. Clearly fate saved us both from the society for each other! How wonderful is that?
I did try to combat this by suggesting he go on e-dating sites or maybe going out more. She said that, like me, he doesn't really go out. Oh. Grand.
I guess I'm just not that great at letting people down to their faces. I opted for my usual tactic of pillowing the negative with a positive: "Thank you. I'm extremely flattered, but I don't date." This is also a true statement because she called me pretty, but it led to the her reaching over the counter, and leaning towards my ear. "Are you gay?" she asked in such a stricken but understanding tone that I honestly had no idea how to combat that.
Later on I was offended that she had to jump to the conclusion that I'm gay because I'm not interested in her nephew. At the moment I corrected her and said I wasn't interested. Her ears however heard that as a maybe, and she promised to bring a photo in next time.
This incident is not the first time someone asked me if I was a lesbian. Pam told me telling people "I don't date" gives that impression, but I think that's just stupid. I've taken to wearing mascara. I don't agree with the principles that eyelashes make one feminine and that being feminine makes you not a lesbian, but I've given up. This is the third time someone asked me. I wish more people would mistake me for straight.
*yes, I realize that sounds like I'm a two-bit hooker
**I am a blind idiot.